So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
