I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My Higher Power is John Stamos
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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