i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
