Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
