K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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