ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
They took my balls.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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