If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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