Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
