His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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