Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
