I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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