Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
