Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
The power of my boobs compel you
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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