i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
