i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
