You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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