true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
