I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
