my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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