i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
