My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
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dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
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Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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