I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
