I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
