Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
no, he came in my armpit
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
