Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
