I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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