I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
