I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
