Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
