my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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