hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
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