headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
