we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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