The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
