Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
