There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
