She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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