my room smells like sperm. sweet.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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