Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
