I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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