I am midnight drunk by noon
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
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I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
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Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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