Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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