he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
