I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
