o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
