you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
