I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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