According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
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