Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
