I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
