we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
