WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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