I look better un-naked...
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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