I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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